did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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