Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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