How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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