I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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