Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
