My room smells like vodka and shame
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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