I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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