What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
