I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
