i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
