just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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