Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
