Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize