I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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