Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i think my cat just said my name.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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