just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
