I seem to have left my pride at pride
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
