I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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