Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
