last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
