Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
