saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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