hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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