Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
