I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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