my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
