What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize