My Higher Power is John Stamos
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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