Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
