good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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