Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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