So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
