I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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