connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
