Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
