do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
