Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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