i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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