I didn't shave. On purpose
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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