if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
