I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
