i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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