I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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