You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize