My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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