I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
