and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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