Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
