I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
