I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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