Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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