I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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