I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
