i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
