Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize