Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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