I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
