Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
