fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
